A big banger! Now I’m not even going to pretend that I am a big Solonge fan. But whether you are a fan of the artists or not there are just some songs you can’t help being drawn to. After having it droned into my head by someone it slowly began to set in. This song is totally utterly truth for most people. Someone I decided a few years ago that I no longer choose to be. Like many I walked around thinking I was living in ‘truth’. Until it was pointed out to me that I was only 85% true, the 15% being what I held close to my heart. I fought it for a while making up all kind of wanna make believe excuses and reasons. Yet the truth remained the truth, (I’ll leave the full details for my coming book).
But the fundamentals were that i’d do any and everything to ignore emotional truth. After my weekly rant to my male friend on the phone, one night he just came out with “ummmm so how do you feel about it” ?. Oh wow… of course I rambled my way out of it, but after putting down the phone the truth bellowed down my ears. “You feel hurt, betrayed, broken, torn. As so rightly pointed out I could freely talk about circumstances and situations, but never about how they made me feel. As we do I …
I tried to drink it away
I tried to put one in the air
I tried to dance it away
I tried to change it with my hair
I ran my credit card bill up
Thought a new dress make it better
I tried to work it away
But that just made me even sadder
I tried to keep myself busy
I ran around circles
Think I made myself dizzy
I slept it away; I sexed it away
I read it away
He happened to be a councillor, and somehow just exposed the biggest challenge of my life. I realised I did this with everything that brought a negative emotion, issues with my children, issues with lovers and general life. So much so that it made me physically ill, fighting to be heard and to be let out from the pits of my stomach. But why? Why do we do this? This made me curious. Not to mention that I had just realised that in fact I wasn’t as confident and big and bad as I thought I was. I was also ‘incorrect about many things’, the hardest thing for people to accept. But for me it brought self-challenge. This also made me more aware of the purpose of councillors, thinking back to American TV shows where almost everyone has a shrink, a outlet (this topic is a whole other blog). Well I was no way about to expose my inner most deepest secrets to my male friend, but I was getting with the idea of ‘finding out my truths’.
But it didn’t stop there. Once I discovered my truths and what was making me feel that way, it was time to face them one by one. So to start I needed to identify the barriers… and it all boiled down to one thing. FEAR! “I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds”.
- FEAR of letting go of control
- FEAR of being rejected
- FEAR of being hurt
- FEAR of feeling foolish
- FEAR of wasting time
When it got down to relationships I realised that I was seeking honesty, trust and commitment but unable to give, due to the locks, chains and barriers of self-defence. I’d rather drink it away, walk away, anything just “get it away”. So I decided to challenge myself to let down all guards and to face my worst fears. Here is one of my favorite quotes.
If you want someone real, then you have to be able to be real. If you want someone who calls or texts to say I miss you or love you, then you must be able to do also, understanding, caring the list goes on and on If you don’t give you surely won’t get.. Through each trail I conquered I gained a strange sense of power, power in being able to be emotionally mature enough to tell the truth. At first it was difficult, but what gave me most encouragement was that it was for self it was for me. Because every time I tried to drink it away, smoke it away and dance it away, the truth remained dominantly posed in its rightful place. I wasn’t doing it for anyone I was doing it for me. Now I bask in the pleasure of being brave with pride. Something we mustn’t ever allow anyone to take away from us in the first place. Nobody is hesitant or scared that very first time round before the cuts, scars and bruises. Heal thyself or only you will pay.