Women… Jealousy Vs Ego

As I’ve grown older I realised that women are just as competitive or even more so than men.  But is it jealousy or ego? In this instance let’s use a ‘new relationship’ as an example.  Most men are skilled at covering over feelings towards women because of his fear of allowing another man to be aware of his weakness. So men often display different behaviours towards new relationships than females.  If he is an ex he finds security in moving onto other women. If you have a child for him he often feels secure in the fact that his child presence is always a constant reminder of his existence in her life. The rest humbly accept their position in the friend zone. It doesn’t mean they do not have thoughts or feelings towards the situation, it just means they are better equipped at controlling themselves. But women just can’t seem to hide their inner thoughts and feelings about the matter.

New relationships always appear fabulous to the outside world, which can at times cause issues particularly for women. On rare occasions you may meet a man and form a relationship with no issues or competition, but this is not often the case.  When a man gets with a new woman there are usually a number of issues that arise whether it’s with an ex, the mother of his child, a woman he has been on one date with or one he was just talking to on social media.  Now most men will assume it’s because of her like or want for him, but I can assure you it’s not always the case.

Jealousy is an emotion stimulated in the left frontal cortex which refers to the thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear and envy over relative lack of.  This is generally stirred by perceiving the new woman as a threat.  Now in some cases this may mean the previous woman wants what the new woman has. In other cases a woman may not actually want the man; she just doesn’t want another woman to have what she does not have. In this instance these women spend time day in day out feeling at a somewhat disadvantage because they do not have or are perhaps missing the things they used to have.

The ego on the other hand is the part of the mind that negotiates between the conscious and unconscious mind which relates to a person’s feelings of self-esteem, self-worth and self-importance. Being replaced can often cause damage to self-esteem leaving people feeling unworthy of love, and the constant questioning of “why not me”. Everyone wants to feel important to someone or in some cases some just wish to appear important. Wanting to feel important is not the same as jealously, as it has nothing to do with wanting the man or a relationship and is more to do with feelings about self.

Both perceptions are usually stimulated by for example pictures on social media, stories and gossip about the new happy couple or continuously thinking about their relationship. These types of women want the latest lowdown on everything… what the new woman wears, the places she goes, what her kids look like, who her friends are and what area or type of home she lives in. Comparing herself to the new woman in every way, constantly taunting herself with just the mere sight of her face in a picture. Neglecting to realise that the fulfilment is only temporary before she has to do something to make herself feel good again…and this is where the competition begins. She starts with a makeover, new hairdo and new wardrobe. But when comparison fails to prove beneficial women tend to move on to trying to control the situation through infiltration in making their presence known to the other woman. If she’s lucky the new woman will feel intimidated by her presence which may cause problems for the relationship, but if she’s not then it’s on to the next move.

The final move is to silently wait in the side-lines for the “Break up” being readily available any time he calls or pays her attention, which is normally right after an argument and the relationship is not on good terms. The downfall of the relationship is a victorious moment in both cases. Those women wanting the man now have an opportunity to have their way, and those wishing to feel important gain satisfaction out of the feeling that this new woman is no longer more important than her in his life.  But if the couple reunite, it’s back to square one. If a woman sends a man a random message saying “congratulations!” after reconciliation with his woman trust me it’s not congratulations, you just pi@*ed her right off. Even though it may have only been a short while of breaking up she had convinced herself of victory. Sometimes she comes to this conclusion alone. At other times i’d be absurd to say that men do not also play a vital role in influencing her to believe so. But once a woman displays her weakness to a man she becomes an object of use when things go wrong, knowing that she is always willing and wanting.

Personally I am not one to get jealous but I will hold my hand up to my ego. Sixteen years ago I was faced in the position of my children’s father impregnating a woman whilst we were broken up.  We got back together but she eventually became a threat to my importance as I was the only woman he had children with which of course made me feel important.  So I set to take back my place by getting purposely pregnant with our third child. My ego somehow convinced me that having a child after her would make me feel more important than her. So after proudly parading my 8 months belly in front of her on the high street one day it was done, I had my child and left him for good 3 months later. Truth is I didn’t want him from before he left, I just wanted to fulfil my ego.  I’m also guilty like many of placing someone in the friend zone only to kick myself later when I saw the dedication and commitment he had made to his new girlfriend.  On a normal day I was fine, but the pictures of their holiday were just too much to bear. Of course I couldn’t see things for how they were at the time, but in reflecting back I was forced to tell myself the truth, and learn from it. But how many women are willing to tell themselves the truth?

My advice to these women is to love you. You are beautiful and worthy of love.  But in being this way you prevent yourself from finding what it is you want in life.  Being replaced by someone bares no relevance on your self-worth. Relationships are based on the intertwining of characters, personalities and chemistry. What you may have with one man may not reflect the relationship between him and another woman, simply because you have different characters. Maybe she supports and inspires him in a different way. Maybe she brings opportunity in a different way.  Maybe she’s fun in other ways. Maybe she shows love in different ways. It is not against you, so don’t take offence. You were either not compatible with that man or you failed to embark on opportunities that were presented to you before her time.  Maybe you thought he was dog, maybe he wasn’t enough for you or maybe you just weren’t ready at that point in your life. But if it didn’t go the way you wanted you are part to blame, because relationships are what you make them.  Don’t wait for the next woman to realise what you want.  Your chance of love is but a stone throw away if you focus on the new and happily move on from the past and what you shoulda, coulda, woulda. The next man you meet make your mark. Don’t waste your time sitting around waiting on the downfall of others to find happiness.

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